So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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