she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
