Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
