it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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