Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
