WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
