i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
