Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
