Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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