Kiss
Puke
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
