I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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