first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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