I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
