Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
