Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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