just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
