Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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