then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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