Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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