i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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