i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
