Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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