hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
