Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
