Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
