so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
