70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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