I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
PANTIES FOUND
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
