Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
