There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
