I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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