just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
