I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
