I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
