DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
