I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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