she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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