I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
