Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
