So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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