i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
