dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
