I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
