If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
