im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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