If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
