I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
