No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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