my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How does one acquire holy water?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
