I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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